In the world of business IT, few figures are as feared as the printer technician. Not for their technical knowledge, but for their ability to turn a simple fault into a bureaucratic odyssey that ends with an astronomical bill. The BOFH knows this well, and this time he shows us that when it comes to dealing with these experts in trickery, experience and a couple of notes can make all the difference.
It all started on an ordinary morning in Mission Control. The steaming coffee was interrupted by a hesitant knock on the door. The new temp, visibly apologetic, announced: 'It's the printer. It's making a noise.' The PFY raised an eyebrow: 'When it's printing or all the time?' 'Both. It starts before printing and keeps going for about twenty seconds after.' We went out to inspect, and indeed there was a faint squeaking sound from the moment it woke up until it fell back into low-power mode.
'I know it's barely noticeable, but the office is so quiet...' she apologized. 'Leave it with us,' I said. 'So you can fix it?' she asked hopefully. 'A machine with an exorbitantly priced service contract, voided the moment we open an unauthorized panel? Not a chance!' I replied. 'Oh,' she sighed. 'But what we can do,' I added, moving the pile of papers that covered my desk phone and pressing a speed dial number, 'is log a fault.'
Fifteen minutes later, after navigating the maze of the printer company's IVR system — those voice menus seemingly designed to drive the most patient person to despair — I managed to speak to an actual engineer. 'And the serial number?' he asked. I rattled off the sequence I had photographed earlier. 'Oh no, that sounds like the controller serial number. I need the printer serial number, it's on the back panel, under the sticker with our support number. If you want to call back when you have it...'
'It's OK, I have it here,' I said, having ridden this particular bronco before. Trick number one in the printer engineer's playbook is to ask for the serial number. If the user has it, ask for another: the full model number, the page count, a 40-digit service code from a sticker whose last two digits are mysteriously missing. When they can't supply it, make them call back, endure another fifteen minutes of IVR, and hopefully get routed to another engineer.
I gave him the new number, the model, the revision — conveniently located on the base of the machine. Like I said, not the first time. 'And what seems to be the problem?' he asked, unable to shake us. 'Probably the fuser unit,' I said. 'Probably, or is it the fuser unit?' he insisted. 'I can't be sure — I'm no printer scientist,' I admitted. 'Could you make it this morning?' Trick number two. You can never make it when they want you to. 'Oh... this morning I'm fully booked.' 'This afternoon then?' 'Let me see... No, I've got a couple of calls outside the city.' 'Tomorrow morning?' 'Hmmmm, no, but I can possibly make it tomorrow between 1 and 3 pm.' 'OK,' I sighed, 'I suppose we can work that out.' 'And I'll need a parking spot for the van.' 'Right, I'll cone one off.'
After hanging up, I told the temp: 'He'll be here tomorrow at 3:45.' 'But he said between 1 and 3,' she pointed out. Trick number three: arrive late and leave a note asking to reschedule. We all know the rules.
The next day at 3:40 PM, we saw a white van pull up beside the cones we had put out early, complete with a 'DANGER, SINK HOLE' sign we had made mimicking the local council's branding. The driver got out, moved the cones, and within minutes was in the office looking at the printer. 'I thought you said it was the fuser unit,' he said. 'No, I said it was probably the fuser unit,' I corrected. 'It's got nothing to do with the fuser unit,' he declared. 'My bad,' I admitted. 'But would you have come if I'd told you it was a squeaky bearing?' 'Yes.' 'Yes, but would you then have said you need to order replacement bearings?' 'I do need to order some.' 'And in a week's time, will you call me back, say the bearings are discontinued, that this model is end of line, and that for compatibility we'd need to replace this printer and every other in the building for an eye-watering price?' Trick number four: the upsell. 'This model is end of line. We don't have spares either,' he confessed.
'So,' I said, 'what I need you to do is this: take this printer up to the fourth floor, tell them they're getting an upgrade with 32-bit color, blacker blacks, a memory expansion, and an advanced feeder mechanism — then bring theirs down here.' 'It's the same printer,' he replied. 'They're all the same.' 'Yes, but only you, my assistant, and the temp know that.' 'No, I don't think I could...' 'Twenty quid,' I said, waving a note in front of his eyes. 'Be back in five,' he said, pocketing the cash faster than a FIFA official. True to his word, he returned pushing another printer. 'Pleasure doing business with you,' he said, parking the machine in front of me and grabbing his toolkit.
The temp watched suspiciously: 'Are you sure he actually replaced it? Because ours had a red smudge on the front panel... and I think the replacement did too.' Trick number five: take the money and run. 'We'll only know by listening,' I said. 'Listening for what?' she asked. 'Shh!' I whispered. And she was right, the office was quiet. So quiet you could hear a faint squeaking from a worn bearing. Or, in the distance, the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height.
The moral: when tech support becomes a shell game, the best strategy is to know the rules before they do. In the business world, optimizing processes and avoiding this kind of wear and tear is key. That's why at Q2BSTUDIO we bet on solutions that eliminate reliance on obsolete printers and abusive contracts. Our process automation developments digitize workflows, reducing the need for paper and physical devices. We also integrate artificial intelligence to monitor and predict failures, and offer cloud services with AWS and Azure to centralize document management. If your company keeps wasting time and money with creative printer technicians, maybe it's time to take the leap to digital transformation. Contact us and discover how we can help you leave the squeaks behind.
